“Mostly, it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things,” Arthur Schopenhauer. I never fully realized how much I had to lose, until reality struck me like a bullet on November 7th, 2015. Before that day, death was a surreal concept to me. I always thought that I would be ready and accept that death was a natural part of life, but in contrast, death always catches people by surprise, especially when they least are expecting it. It lurks in the back of the human psyche, and no preparations can abate the overwhelming feelings of experiencing it. It took me about a month to process what had just happened, and by then, a new chapter of my life had already begun.
“Good morning!” the bus driver chirped as I loaded the bus.
“Morning,” I replied drearily as I dragged my sleep-deprived-self towards an empty seat, not ready for another day of school.
Only a few other people were on the bus, none which I had known the names of or ever talked to. I relished the thought of my cozy bed and longed to return home, but I knew that would only make my mom more stressed. I stared out the window as all the dead leaves and trees passed in a blur. A damp breeze smelling of mildew from a window up front bristled the hairs on the top of my head. Dark clouds filled with dread and sorrow enshrouded the bus.
I distinctly remember Alessia Cara’s song, “Here”, playing over the bus’ loudspeaker. That song was extremely popular in fall of 2015, and the radio station my bus driver listened to would play it almost everyday....but really I would rather be at home all by myself not in this room with people who don't even care about my well being.
Ever since I moved to Washington, my time on the bus was usually spent thinking about life. I have no idea why that particular day was any different than others, but I started to silently cry. I thought about the life and people I left in New Hampshire, my grandparents whom we had to stay with for the time being, my mom dealing with a move, a new environment, and finding a new job, and my own grievances that came about from my recently deceased father.
I know that people who dwell over regret and misery in the past cannot move forward towards a future worth living. They become vegetables, no motivation whatsoever and fear consumes them as they wait for death which brings serenity. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so there must be one for why my life turned out like this. Although the past is unchangeable, the future is not, so that day I snapped. I vowed that I would not focus on the past and do whatever I could to work towards a future that I would be happier in; The first step: Doing well in school to alleviate some of my mom’s worry.
I dried my tears to try to hide the fact that I had been bawling my eyes out as the bus came to a stop in front of the school. It was now packed with students, all trying to make their way towards the front of the cramped bus. Though my surroundings had not changed, my understanding and perception of life had completely transformed.
Flash forward to the present, and I stayed true to my vow. Although I do still grieve for my father’s passing, I do not let it discourage me from working towards my goal: Happiness.