Sunlight streamed in across the floor giving everything a golden yellow glow. Elliott had to take a moment to focus on her surroundings. A white duvet, a wooden dresser at the wall opposite of the bed, sheer white curtains that drape down to the floor, white walls, everything was so white. It was like she was in a lightbox, trapped in the white and the only way to get out of it was to focus on the dresser. A girl shifted in the bed beside her. Elliott focused her gaze on her partner, Isabel, maybe the dresser wasn’t the only way to escape the white. Isabel rolled over toward the edge of the bed which made Elliott chuckle.
“Oh no, don’t do that,” Elliott smiled and scooted closer to her. “You’ll fall off.” She poked her cheek. She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping; her breath was steady, she was just kind of there. Existing. Elliott rested her arm over her and set her head back onto her pillow. Isabel however, was not fully awake so the sudden arm over her made her jump, which caused her to fall off the edge of the bed taking the blanket with her.
“Oh my god, are you okay?” Elliott looked over the edge alertly.
“Ow,” Isabel groaned. She had landed with her arms over her head and her feet up in the air, “Eli, you know I love you but please, chill,” she giggled before hoisting herself back into an upright position.
Elliott sat there with a stupid smile plastered on her face while leaning over the edge of the bed. Isabel smirked and grabbed her shoulders pulling her down along with her.
“Hey! No fair! I wasn’t ready!” Elliott laughed lying there on the floor.
“Come on, dingus. You need to start writing. Your novel isn’t gonna write itself,” Isabel said as she stood up. It was ten a.m. already and Isabel needed to be at work by noon. Work was fairly easy for them. Elliott was a writer so all she had to do was get her laptop out and start writing. Isabel worked at a local restaurant called The Wandering Goose just a few blocks away. Elliott had a car but she never really needed to use it unless they were leaving the area.
Elliott groaned as she pulled herself up off the ground, “But it’s Friday! Friday is a no write day,” she practically whined. Isabel rolled her eyes and walked into the hallway, probably walking to the kitchen. Elliott followed her out of the room and into the kitchen.
Elliott sat on one of the stools at the little breakfast bar. Isabel grabbed some eggs out of the fridge and cracked them into a frying pan.
“I’m going into work early today,” Isabel said still facing the stovetop.
“Oh, okay. Do you want me to walk you there?” Elliott asked.
“No, I’ll be fine. I need to help Joel with the morning rush. I’ll text you when I get there,” she finished up the eggs, slid them onto a plate and set it in front of Elliott.
“Thanks. You okay? You never go into work early, if anything you try leaving early,” Elliott sounded a bit concerned.
“I’m fine, babe. Just need a little extra money, and it wouldn’t kill me to get out of the house a little earlier,” she smiled and made her way back to their room.
Elliott sat there and ate her eggs. Why does she need the extra money? Yes, it’s good to have some extra money but why now? Is she just trying to leave? This isn’t like her. Elliott’s head immediately went to the bad. It always did. Elliott walked to the cupboard by the fridge without thinking and reached for a bottle that wasn’t there. Her stomach twisted. She needed something to calm her nerves but her pills weren’t there; they hadn’t been for a long time. Elliott walked out onto her porch and sat down.
Isabel came out and gave Elliott a kiss on the forehead before walking down the street leaving Elliott alone at the house. She walked back inside and to her room to grab a cigarette out of her stash for situations like this. She went and sat in the same spot on the porch. She held the cigarette in her mouth and felt the heat close to her face as she lit it. The smoke stung at the back of her throat but she held it in before letting it escape her lips. The silence was daunting and overwhelming. She decided to text her friend Zach to ask if she could come over. He immediately responded yea of course. Are you good? You want me to put in Lilo & Stitch? Elliott chuckled and texted back That would be great. I’ll be over in a few minutes.
Elliott spent the rest on the day with Zach making jokes, watching movies, they even made cookies. Zach was really good at distracting her from her anxiety. Time just passed faster when she was with Zach. She liked that. The days didn’t seem so long and it helped her cope. He knew that and was happy to help her get through anything. He was going to be there for her through everything, just like he always had been.
“Thanks, Zach,” Elliott said eating the leftover cookie dough, “for sticking with me this long. Really. I don’t know what I’d do without you, dude.”
“Don’t thank me, Eli, you’re a cool chick. I’m glad our parents forced us to hang out when we were kids,” he scooped cookie dough out of the bowl with his fingers,
“Everybody wants to have a stereotypical gay friend, but really having a chill lesbian friend is so much better.”
They both laughed. Elliott looked at her phone, 10:39pm. She had no texts from Isabel yet. “I should probably head home, Izzy’s been home for a few hours so…” she stood from the couch and walked to the door to put her shoes on.
“Let me know if you ever need anything, okay?” Zach said from the couch still eating the dough.
Elliot nodded and smiled at him before she left his apartment. She walked home feeling a little better. She was ready to just exist and sit with Isabel for a bit. She opened the door and kicked her shoes off in the entryway. She notices a pair of unfamiliar shoes set neatly along the wall. Who else is here? She heard laughter erupt from the living room. Isabel was definitely here and she recognized the other voice. Elliott walked into the living room to see Isabel and Marcy sitting on the couch facing each other with glasses of wine in their hands. Isabel fell quiet while Marcy kept talking about anything. She was good at that. Isabel bumped Marcy’s knee with her own nodding in Elliott’s direction. Marcy turned so she could see Elliott and stopped talking.
“Hi, Elliott,” Marcy smiled.
“Uhm, hi,” she didn’t know what to say.
“Hey, baby! Where did you go?” Isabel smiled at Elliott, her cheeks were pink and her words were slurred. Isabel almost never drank enough to get like this, but when she did it was never pretty.
“I went to Zach’s. Did you not see the note I left?” she gestured toward the kitchen counter behind her. Isabel just shrugged and took another sip of wine.
“I guess it’s time for you to go,” Isabel looked at Marcy and slumped forward.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she stood from the couch. She set her empty wine glass on the coffee table and walked toward Elliott. Elliott watched as she slipped on her shoes and slipped out the door.
“What was that?” Elliott focused her attention back to Isabel, “Why was she here?” she felt the overwhelming feeling start in the pit of her stomach.
“Does it matter? What can I not have friends now?” she scoffed taking another sip of wine before leaning back against the throw pillows, “Why can’t I have I have friends, Elliott? How come you can have friends but I can’t? I still want to have a social life too y’know.”
“I’m not saying you can’t have friends Isabel, I’m just saying why would you bring her here?” she raised her arms gesturing to the house.
“What do you have against her anyway?” Isabel said defensively.
“Nothing, but she’s my ex, Isabel. I’d like to come home to you. I’d like her to not be here when I get home and I’ve told you that before,” Elliott said.
“So, what? You can spend hours on end with Zach but I can’t spend a day with Marcy?” she asked, “Why do you get to make the rules? Don’t I get a say in it too? This isn’t just your relationship. It’s mine too. Or did you forget that part?”
Elliott felt her stomach twist in discomfort, “Of course not, Isabel, come on. You know Zach has nothing to do with this. I’ve known him since I was a kid, you just met Marcy, like, two weeks ago. I don’t care that you are hanging out with her, I just don’t want her here,” her breaths got shorter. She knew this wasn't going to end well but she didn’t want to leave Isabel like this.
“Oh my god, do you think I’m gonna cheat on you?!” Isabel stood up and stumbled. Her words were sloppy and came out of nowhere, “Do you really have that little faith in me?” she gasped, “No, you’re hooking up with Zach! That’s it, it’s gotta be! Why else would you spend all day with him? God, it all makes sense!” she sounded hysterical.
“What?! Isabel, no. That’s nonsense and you know it. You’re just drunk. You need to go to bed. Come on,” Elliott stepped toward her and put her hand on her arm before looking in the direction of their room.
“No! No! You wouldn’t be mad if you didn’t think I was cheating on you! And the only way you would think that is if you were cheating on me!” Isabel yanked her arm away and pushed Elliott away, “Get away from me! You don’t love me! Leave! Get out!”
She didn’t know what to say so she just left. She walked out the door and could still hear Isabel being loud inside. She took a few deep breaths as her head whipped around to look up and down the dark streets with Isabel’s faint yelling and raindrops filling her ears. Elliott held her hand up and watched it shake before sprinting toward Zach’s. Her head was racing with thoughts she couldn’t even comprehend, it all sounded like incoherent screaming echoing within her skull.
Elliott approached the door to Zach’s apartment out of breath. She knocked, prepared to just pour her thoughts out to him in one big jumbled string of words. She heard the sounds of locks clicking and she could feel her eyes start to sting. Everything had built up and it was all about to pour out whether she wanted it to or not. The door opened just enough to reveal Marcy was the one opening the door…
“Oh no,” Marcy said quietly, “hey, look, it’s okay. Okay? You’ll be okay,” she reached her hand out to Elliott’s cheek to wipe away tears that had started to fall.
“No. Screw this. You are everywhere Marcy. I’m done,” her breath hitched as she talked and there were heavy streams of tears running down her face. She ran out of the building and went to the alleyway where she breathed deeply. Elliott leaned against a wall, sliding down it and clutched her knees. She breathing went from slow and controlled to short quick breaths. Her whole body was shaking uncontrollably and her vision was blurry. Marcy was everywhere, she couldn’t get away from her.
The sound of footsteps grew louder until they stopped in front of her. She couldn’t bring herself to look up to see who had to witness her like this. Her mind never stopped on one thing but one thing kept reappearing, Marcy. She kept running through her head and she couldn’t stand it. Her breathing stopped for a moment when she felt arms wrap around her. She just started crying harder lifting her head just enough to see that it was Zach who had come out.
He picked her up and carried her inside so she was out of the rain. He was saying things to her to attempt to calm her down but none of them were registering in her head. He set her down on his couch inside his apartment. She sat there and rode out her anxiety attack until she could sit there without shaking. Elliott looked around and saw Zach sitting across from her with a glass of water and the bowl of cookie dough from earlier.
“I’m sorry. I-I didn’t know she would be here, I wouldn’t have come if I’d known,” she took the glass of water taking a few big gulps.
“It’s fine, I should’ve texted you. She wanted to check in and make sure you were okay. She said you looked extremely tired and she was worried,” he said placing the bowl of cookie dough next to her. Zach’s bedroom door creaked in the hallway before Marcy walked out of it with her bag. She smiled in Elliott’s direction before walking over to them.
“I know right now isn’t a good time but, we need to get you past this plateau you’ve hit where you just can’t see me without your anxiety going through the roof,” she said sitting on the arm of the chair Zach was in, “you already have my number, so when you’re ready to talk, let me know. We can go grab a drink, help you loosen up a bit,” she smiled at her. Elliott nodded.
Marcy left and Elliott spent the next few hours sitting with Zach. They talked about the things about Marcy, Isabel, the things Isabel had said and why Elliott had shown up with no warning. He was very understanding and just sat there letting Elliott vent. She always felt like she was pushing her problems onto him when she did that but he was okay with it.
“Can I just stay the night? It’s already super late and I don’t want to deal with wasted Isabel right now,” she asked with her eyes half closed.
“Of course dude,” he said standing up, “you take my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch. You just go lay down. You look like you’re gonna pass out any second,” he chuckled.
Elliott smiled and stood up, “You aren’t wrong,” she yawned walking toward his bedroom. She flopped onto the bed and pulled the blanket over her, she went to sleep in a matter of minutes. She didn’t dream that night.
Shannon Dimitroff